As parents of gifted children, we’ve all had our share of “those moments.” Like when our child has a enormous melt-down in the store aisle, or when we are late for school or work, because our child can’t leave the house until the tags on their clothes are all cut off, or when we’ve reached our limit and yell, because, well we’re human too.

After experiencing one of those moments, what do you tell yourself? Do you quickly blame yourself or others, do you berate yourself for messing up, or replay the situation over and over reminding yourself of what a failure you are as a parent? Have you ever responded by telling yourself, ‘This is really hard. You’re really suffering now. You’re going to be ok, you’re doing the best you can.” Take a moment to reflect on a recent one of those moments. Now imagine if you were to hear the same narrative from one of your dearest friends. What would you say to them? Would you have a critical response, blaming or shaming them for a mistake, or would you offer them compassion and empathy? I’m assuming that if you’re like most people, you wouldn’t imagine telling them some of the same things that you so easily tell yourself.

Parenting is a slippery slope. It’s one of the most challenging endeavors we encounter as human beings, and yet, there are no absolute instructions. However, when we look around us, someone else always seems to be doing it better. It’s really easy to fall into the shame trap as parents: never feeling good enough, being keenly aware of our shortcomings and mistakes, or replaying the highlight reel of our latest blunders. However, learning to practice self-compassion is the antidote to all those shame poisons we commonly ingest after a challenging day. Self-compassion quells the voices of doubt, shame, criticism, and judgement.

So what exactly is self-compassion? It’s offering ourselves empathy and compassion, just as we would to a dear friend or to our child in a time of suffering or pain. When we learn to recognize our own voices of criticism, perfectionism, comparison, judgment, or shame, and turn them around into kindness and empathy, we are practicing self-compassion.

Researcher and author, Kristin Neff, Ph.D., (https://self-compassion.org) talks about self- compassion as 3 essential components.

• Self-Kindness vs.Self-Judgement: “First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental.”
• Common Humanity vs. Isolation: “Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our ”
• Mindfulness vs. Overidentification: “Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating ”

I’ve noticed in my own life, along with other parents that I know, it’s easy to begin with good intentions to make positive changes, or develop a new practice, but then life seems to always get in the way. For me, I’ve become conscious of what I need to be stay aware and grounded, and in turn able to be compassionate to myself and others. There are four things that will always work against us, and sabotage our efforts of self-compassion.

• “The Shoulds”: Whenever I detect disappointment or resentment creeping up inside me, I know that I need to check my expectations. When we can be honest about the expectations we have for ourselves as a parent, or for our’s child’s behavior or achievements, then we can explore where they’ve come from and if they’re realistic or not.
• Shame: When we see ourselves as flawed, not good enough, or as a failure, our core worthiness is in jeopardy, and we will inevitably struggle with showing ourselves kindness and
• Shrinking Space: A packed life and schedule leaves no room or margin for error, reflection, or intentional practices. Practicing simplicity of schedule builds in space for the unexpected moments of life that will inevitable
• Swift Speed: When we are able to slow down, we are able to cultivate patience for ourselves and towards our children. Patience is an important piece of showing kindness and

Take a moment today, to play back something that happened recently between you and your child that didn’t go well. This time, adjust your lens to see yourself and the situation with empathy and self-compassion. Then offer yourself words and actions of comfort and compassion, just as you would to a good friend. Nurturing yourself is not selfish or indulgent, it’s essential for our own emotional well being, and goes a long way in modeling self-compassion to our children as well.

Michele is leading our September Gifted Support Group Meeting. 

Topic: Parenting, the Self-Compassion Way

As parents of gifted and exceptional children, we are often focused on the pursuit of finding the individuals, services, experiences, etc. that will adequately meet our children’s ever-changing needs. But what about us? What about our experiences and inner worlds? In this presentation, therapist and parent of gifted and 2e children, Michelle Bodwell, will discuss the importance of tuning into ourselves, recognizing our inner dialogue, and cultivating a practice of empathy and self- compassion for the parenting journey.

Click Here to RSVP!

Biography:

Michelle Bodwell is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Board-Certified Art Therapist with a private practice in South Pasadena. In her practice, she specializes working with women, of all ages, guiding them in finding creative solutions for life’s problems. Through the journey of parenting her own gifted and 2e children, she understands the struggles and challenges of raising exceptional individuals and lends her experiences in leading A Mother’s Retreat, a parenting support group for mothers of children with high emotional needs. For more information go to www.michellebodwellmft.com

SOUTH PASADENA, Calif.—Los Angeles-area kindergarten through eighth-grade gifted and talented students are stepping out of the traditional classroom to engage in advanced classes that explore disciplines such as chemistry, astronomy and humanities. Academy classes, taught by local specialists who hold doctorates in their fields, college professors and professionals, inspire Los Angeles’s brightest youth to grow socially and intellectually.

The Academy was created by South Pasadena-based Institute for Educational Advancement (IEA). IEA is a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing programs that help gifted children balance intellectual ability with social, emotional, physical and spiritual growth. Independent of government funding, IEA gives students the tools to work toward actualizing their full intellectual and personal potential in supportive environments such as the Academy.

IEA is meeting a need in the community by serving a demographic that often struggles with a lack of challenge in the mainstream classroom. Academy students are given work at a level appropriate for them, develop community with like-minded peers and bond with instructors who can relate to their special needs. For the students IEA serves, weekly classes at the Academy are essential in fueling and satisfying their quest to know more. “I would recommend Academy classes to anyone who enjoys learning!” says Ariane Watkins, an Academy student who completed a Neuro-Energy course last term.

The program links a broad range of students from diverse ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds with instructors who’ve been trained to teach advanced, college and high school material in a kid-friendly fashion. Winter 2013 classes include self-paced math, calculus, chemistry, ecology, humanities and astronomy. With an average class size of five students, Academy classes are a hands-on, inquiry-based and student-driven approach to learning. In Rocket to Calculus, for example, students make use of actual rockets to learn the basics of algebra, geometry and pre-calculus; in the final class, calculations are brought to life with a real rocket launch.

Scholarships for local Pasadena youth have been made possible by generous grants from the Ann Peppers Foundation and the Avery Dennison Foundation. “Due to the scholarships we provide, gifted students in our community grow. Not only do we fan the flame of life-long learning in youngsters from all backgrounds, but they become stronger representatives of the schools they attend and are better able to contribute to their communities,” says Jen Mounday, IEA Academy program coordinator.

The Academy runs year-round, with the winter 2013 session running Jan. 12 to March 14. Classes are held at the IEA offices in South Pasadena, Calif. Classes meet once a week for eight weeks and are offered after school on weekdays and during the day on Saturdays. For a full schedule of classes and to download an application, please visit the Academy page of IEA’s website or contact Jen Mounday at Academy@educationaladvancement.org or 626-403-8900.

Fighting for Gifted

In America, it is okay to be a gifted athlete. But in terms of intelligence, academics, and creativity, many believe that every child is gifted. “You don’t look around a whole class full of kids and say every one of those kids could be Michael Jordan . . . but there is this concept in the world that every child is a gifted child. It’s like saying every child is tall.”

“All human beings have gifts of some kind,” Stephanie acknowledged. “But that’s not like saying every child is gifted because gifted is by definition outside the norm.”

“Those who deal with highly to profoundly gifted kids – kids along the far right edge of the bell curve – those of us who deal with those kids know that giftedness is innate to the person. We know that no kid who is not gifted is going to be able to leap ahead at the rate that these kids just naturally move.”

While many organizations choose to focus on talent development (which is equated with achievement), there are many kids who are gifted but do not achieve. Therefore, it is important to IEA that we focus on giftedness.

Stephanie’s Advice for Keeping Track of the Who

When parents define their kids by their differences, they are focusing on the “what.” What their child is good at. What their child does differently. Stephanie urges parents, however, to remember the “who” – the being-ness of the individual child.

• “Help [your kids] see themselves first as a who and then a who who does stuff.”
• Embrace who your kids are, including remembering that what makes them happy is important.
• Allow your kids to explore their options. Let them decide what is important to them and what they like. “Multipotentiality is part of the package.” Your kids don’t have to be stuck on one track forever. Encourage them to learn what they love through exploration.
• “Part of your child’s job is to play.” Just because your kids have a gift doesn’t make play and down time any less important.
• Let your kids have an interest of their own, something you don’t coach them in, like the music they prefer or the games they play. “It was important that [my son] had something I didn’t have.”
• Remember that this is a balancing act.
• So often as parents of gifted kids we are concerned with achievement of potential or of specific goals, but don’t forget the child’s happiness along the way.
• What you are paying attention to grows. Focus on the good things!

Stephanie Tolan is author of the Newbery Honor Award-winning novel Surviving the Applewhites. She is a well-known lecturer and advocate for highly gifted young people. She has also written Listen!, Flight of the Raven, Welcome to the Ark, and Ordinary Miracles and is co-author of Guiding the Gifted Child. As an IEA Senior Fellow, Stephanie and the other Fellows facilitate Yunasa each year. Stephanie will also be at the new Yunasa West camp this year.

IEA hosts free monthly Gifted Child Parent Support Group Meetings throughout the school year in the Pasadena, CA, area.  These meetings often feature a special guest speaker and cover a variety of topics. If you are interested in receiving more information about these meetings as they are announced, sign up for our email list and include your Los Angeles area zip code.

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It’s time to start thinking about your kids’ summer plans!  There are great summer opportunities available for gifted children, and many have applications due in the next month or two.

There are several types of summer opportunities to consider, but the two most common are:

1. Day Camps and Programs
2. Residential Camps and Programs

IEA offers summer programs in both of these categories.

• Academy is a day enrichment program in South Pasadena, California, that provides high-achieving elementary and middle school students with challenging classes that focus on exploration and application of knowledge. Courses this summer will include favorites like Chemistry and Rocket to Calculus, as well as brand new class options.
• Apprenticeship is a three or four week residential program that matches gifted students from across the country with highly-regarded mentors in fields like science, industrial design, math, and medicine. This year’s program will be offered in Los Angeles and San Diego.
• Yunasa and Yunasa West are week long residential camps for highly gifted 10-14 year olds. The camps are facilitated by renowned experts in the field of gifted education and are devoted to teaching campers techniques for integrating the intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and physical aspects of their lives.

Because each child is unique, the ideal program for each child will vary, so consider your child’s personality before deciding on a camp or program. As Dr. Bob Schultz of the University of Toledo points out, you may want to keep in mind that intensities in gifted children will have an enormous impact on their experiences at an overnight camp, so the set-up and focus of residential camps are important. NAGC’s Parenting for High Potential has a list of questions to ask about camps and programs in order to help match your child with the best summer opportunity for their strengths, needs, and interests.

Once you have decided what type of program is best for your gifted child, there are many resources available to help you find those opportunities, including the following:

• IEA’s Gifted Resource Center allows you to search for summer programs for gifted kids using specific criteria such as location, keywords, and age group.
• Hoagies’ Gifted has an extensive list of summer programs for gifted kids by state.
• The National Association for Gifted Children also has a database of summer programs searchable by state and keyword.
• The Texas Association for the Gifted and Talented has a list of summer programs specifically for gifted kids in Texas and throughout the U.S.

Good luck with your search!

Have any more tips for finding summer camps and programs for your child? Let us know in the comments!

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